• 15 Habits
  • About

seRENDIPIty

~ the middle of unexpected blessings

seRENDIPIty

Category Archives: Divorce

Just keep paddling…

25 Friday Jan 2013

Posted by Loree2e in Divorce, Mindfulness, Parenting, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

divorce, Parenting

Yesterday was one of those days that makes me appreciate the wonderful, happy days even more.

Because yesterday sucked.

I should back up and preface the suckage by talking about a couple of things that happened earlier this week.

Three days ago, right before I was about to leave for my first of 3 networking meetings of the day, my nanny stopped by….and gave me her letter of resignation. Fuck. She was distraught….literally on her knees begging me to forgive her (I’m not sure if that’s a Filipino thing or a Catholic thing). I was shocked by the resignation, as we have a great relationship, but my kids are getting older and we could only give her afternoons since the kids are in school for the first half of the day. I completely understood why she took another offer that was full-time.

The thought of telling my kids that she was leaving was almost too much for me to bear. Two years ago, it was “your dad and I are getting a divorce” last year it was “we’re selling the house (the only one you’ve ever lived in)” and now we’re kicking off 2013 with “your beloved nanny of 6 years needs to go to another family because they can offer her full-time work which she needs because her rent is being raised by her landlords (who, btw, are Google millionaires living in a 6-bedroom house next door).” The kids’ dad and I told them, along with our nanny, who sobbed just as hard as my daughter did. But that night, my daughter called me to let me know she was ok. Such a sensitive heart, that one. My kids’ resilience continues to amaze me.

Part of me is elated…maybe now I can be the one always picking up my kids and helping them with homework and doing fun projects, etc. etc. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since my kids were younger – stay home part-time and take care of them (one of the contributing factors to the breakup of my marriage: he didn’t want to give up the salary I could command). Then the brain steps back in and reminds me that I am divorced and no one is going to pay my rent for me while I’m busy being super Stay-at-Home Mom.

In a strange way, I guess I finally did get what I always wanted…I suppose I could pick up the kids everyday and be with them in the afternoons if I could find a job that only went until 2:30pm every day. So, maybe the universe is delivering…but asking me to meet it halfway.

The other thing that sent my heart to the dumps is that I had to end a relationship with someone I cared about deeply. This person was someone I’d consider a soulmate, except for the constant promises and failure to keep them. I can’t deal with dishonesty in my life. I’m a very open and honest person and when someone continuously tells me they’re going to do something but then finds excuses for not delivering on their promises…it just wore my heart down and I realized I could no longer trust this person. It was (and is) extremely painful to think of the emotional investment I had in this relationship and what the end result was. I feel like I was taken advantage of.

So, back to yesterday. After 5-months of a sabbatical, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. My brain is telling me to find a job in a big company so I can have some financial stability but my heart is telling me no no no but I don’t know what I should do to start generating income. The proceeds from a house sale (even in overly-priced Silicon Valley) can only last so long. I’m afraid of settling for something I don’t really want just for the sake of stability. I made the mistake of doing that in my marriage and in going to business school, and I’ve been trying to evolve from both of those over the past two years. It’s scary to be in this position and yesterday was one of those rare days when I take a step backwards and start beating myself up. Lots of tears and teeth gnashing, wondering how I could have screwed things up so badly. Fortunately, night eventually falls and I can go to sleep and start another day.

This morning as I made my daily walk to my local coffee shop, I passed by middle school students riding their bikes to school and I wanted to stop them and scream, “DON’T SETTLE! Do what you love! The rest will figure itself out. STOP SUCCUMBING TO FEAR or what your parents think you should do!”

As much as I want to impart this wisdom to these young adults, they would probably start calling me the crazy lady of Starbucks, and I’m pretty sure that position already has a waiting list.

Time for a sabbatical

07 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Divorce, Inspiration

≈ 3 Comments

I’ve been working in Silicon Valley for 11 years and have never taken a break from work.

Well, let me qualify that.

I did have 2 maternity leaves, but any other mom can vouch for me when I say that caring for a helpless human being on 4 hours of sleep a day is *not* a break from working. I was also laid off in the summer of 2009 and paid 6 months of severance. I had planned to take a few months off and enjoy the school vacation time with my kids, but 2 weeks into my 24 weeks of paid leave, my (now ex-) husband started asking me about when I was going to start looking for my next job. I managed to hold off looking for a couple of months and enjoyed that time (traveled to Tokyo to visit friends, went to an art conference in Massachusetts, started “Camp Hirschman” for my kids, explored starting my own business) but I constantly felt the irritation from my ex that I was not working while he was (even though I was getting paid the whole time). I went back to work after three months.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago.

I had been separated from my ex for over a year and was living on my own 50% of the time and 50% with my kids. I loved the independence I was enjoying. As part of our divorce, we had sold our house in Palo Alto and I had some money sitting in the bank.

Last August I co-founded a mobile app company and we established an office in San Francisco. I had been commuting almost a year to the city and the time spent going back and forth was wearing on me. While I had loved the process of starting the company, our product had evolved into something I was not passionate about building.

One afternoon, 6 weeks ago, I went for a run at the Stanford Dish and it hit me like a bolt of lightning….why am I still in a job I don’t LOVE when I (finally) have the financial means to take some time off? I had already planned my annual Vegas vacation with my mom for the first week of August (yes, I brought my laptop to Vegas last year and worked while my mom sat by the pool)…perhaps I could wrap things up at my company in time to head off to Vegas to start my sabbatical.

I sat on the idea for a week to see how it felt and I talked with a few friends about it. My gut was telling me YES! this is what you need right now, so I talked with the CEO and our main investor and gave my one-month notice. I promised I would help get the company through a seed round of funding before I left. We closed the funding on July 27th. My last day at the company was July 31st and I was in Vegas that evening. Without my laptop.

Tomorrow: Sabbatical – Week 1. The Plan.

Serendipity

03 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Divorce, Mindfulness

≈ Leave a comment

When we separated, my husband refused to move out of the house, so I rented a small, 2-bedroom apartment about 5 minutes away. It was a huge relief to have my own place. We had initially decided on a 6-month separation, but as the months passed and neither of us reached out to the other to make amends it became clear that we would not be repairing our marriage. My six-month lease was coming to an end and I received a note from my landlord, notifying me that if I wanted to stay in the apartment, my rent was being increased from $1995/month to $2695/month if I signed a year-lease, or $2995/month if I went month to month (I live in Palo Alto, CA, where landlords can apparently get away with insane increases in rent like that).

I couldn’t stay in that 900 square foot apartment any longer…not so much because of the size, but because my son and daughter had to share a room, and the walls were so thin we could hear the television of our next-door neighbor. I was convinced that the people living directly over us were sprightly 300-pound college students; they often woke me up when stomping around at 2am.

It was time to move. I had anticipated the rent increase, (although not 50%…holy cow) and had been looking for our next home for a month or so. My needs were pretty simple; the  “Must-have” criteria were 3 BR, 1BA, in Palo Alto, a year lease for ~$3500/month or less. I had a longer list of “preferred” criteria: in the North part of Palo Alto (where my children’s school is located), within walking distance to downtown, hardwood floors, garage, 2BA, modern kitchen (in my price range, many of the houses I saw were older and not all had “modern” amenities like dishwashers).

I sent emails to friends, letting them know I was searching for a place to rent. I wrote out my list of must-have and preferred criteria and offered it up to the universe.  Every day, I searched Craigslist, sometimes several times a day, looking for candidates that fit my basic criteria. I viewed a lot of properties. Sometimes, in a moment of hopelessness, I would consider a 2BR if the rooms were really big, figuring I could share a room with my daughter and have it for myself during the weeks she wasn’t with me. After about 3 months of looking (and 2 months of paying $2995/month for my apartment) I was starting to worry, but I reminded myself to be calm and to trust that things would work out. I believed that the universe had my back.

Finally, the Craigslist listing I had been waiting for arrived, but I was on the other side of the planet and unable to attend the open house. It was a 3BR, 2BA house near downtown! The rent was a little higher than I had hoped ($3800) but it was close enough. I had started seeing other property lease rates inch up and I realized I had to reset my expectations of what my dollar could buy, or, er, rent. I called the landlord to explain to her that I was very interested in the house but that I could not attend the open house that weekend because I was in the UK. She very kindly let me know that I could view the house on Monday when I returned…if it was still available. Ugh. I knew my chances were slim that it would not be gone by the time I returned, but again, I said a little prayer and then let it go, avoiding obsessing over whether or not it would still be available. There really wasn’t anything else I could do at that point, so why stress out over it?

I was delighted that by the time I returned home on Monday, I had not received a phone call from her, telling me the house had been rented. I called her to confirm that she could still show me the house and she met me that evening.

The frontage of the house was not impressive; it looked like behind the door one would find a 200 square foot studio, plus it was a block away from the train tracks. I sighed, assuming this would be another over-priced dud of a house. May, the landlord pulled up in her Lexus, sized me up as she got out of her car and showed me to the door. I was on my best behavior…I really wanted to get out of the apartment. I was pleasantly surprised when we walked in to hardwood floors and a long hallway that extended to the master bedroom in the back of the house. There was a sunlight-filled playroom on the right, with a door that led to the back yard. The kitchen was small but had a large refrigerator and a dishwasher, plus a gas stovetop (I hate electric). There was a one-car garage with rafters for storage. I walked toward the back of the house and found two bedrooms and a bathroom for the kids, and a huge master bedroom in the back, with a large closet and a two-sink bathroom. I was relieved. Then I was on a mission to get the house.

We walked into the back yard onto the patio. Behind the house was the driveway for a pediatrician’s office, so I noted that those neighbors would be fairly quiet during the hours I was home. There were lemon and apple trees in the yard, and May encouraged me to pick a few to bring to my kids. The train had come by while we were in the house and the double-pane windows had done a decent job of keeping out most (but definitely not all) of the noise. I tried to negotiate the price down to $3500 but May held firm. I felt the universe had provided an adequate house that had surpassed my list, so I wrote out a check for the deposit and filled out an application form. I must have charmed May, because she called me the next day to let me know the house was mine.

The process of finding this house turned into a life lesson for me, mostly about the power of patience and mindfulness.  When I knew my apartment situation was not working, I did all I could to find something new and I remained hopeful when my initial efforts did not result in finding what I needed, but I didn’t needlessly worry about a future (not finding a “good enough” home) that hadn’t happened. I stayed present and had faith that the universe would deliver, and it did.

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • February 2023
  • December 2022
  • January 2021
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • April 2019
  • January 2019
  • July 2018
  • January 2018
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • May 2015
  • January 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • September 2012
  • August 2012
  • July 2012
  • June 2012
  • May 2012

Categories

  • 15 Habits
  • Art
  • Divorce
  • Fearless
  • Fiction
  • Flying
  • Food
  • Inspiration
  • love
  • Math
  • Military
  • Mindfulness
  • Movies
  • Music
  • Parenting
  • Relationships
  • Travel
  • Uncategorized
  • Writing
  • Yoga

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • seRENDIPIty
    • Join 38 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • seRENDIPIty
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...