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My New Love

03 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by Loree2e in Uncategorized

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divorce, love, new york, nyc

(This is an essay I wrote in one hour in an online writing workshop in January 2023)

After many years of being single, I am dating someone.

He’s fascinating, worldly, intelligent, sophisticated, energetic and full of life. He’s also grimy, noisy, temperamental and is always asking me for more money.

I’m dating him because he’s teaching me how to fall in love again.

His name is New York City.

The first time ever I saw his face was in 1995. My husband, now ex-husband, and I visited NYC to see my cousin. I was enthralled by the hustle and bustle, the availability of every known cuisine on the planet and the incredible arts scene. We saw a performance by Blue Man Group, back when it was still in a tiny theatre in the Village and my cousin was dating one of the Blue Men. New York caught my attention and I could see why my cousin was in love, but I was newly married and already committed to living on the west coast, so I dismissed my attraction to New York and settled into Palo Alto, CA for 21 years, raising a family.

Halfway through that, I got divorced. I dated, but never found the love I’d hoped for. Last year, when my youngest graduated from high school and I had the freedom to choose where to live, I knew it was time to revisit an old crush. I put all my belongings into storage and moved to Manhattan.

NYC was waiting for me. I had seen him battered and bloody in 2001 and my heart had gone out to him. I had been impressed with his resilience over the following 21 years and thought maybe NYC could teach me a thing or two about starting anew. I mean, it’s literally his first name.

Our affair is still in its early honeymoon phase. I moved here only six weeks ago, but my heart still flutters when I look up and down his avenues and I realize all that he offers me. I fall more in love with New York every day I walk his streets. I smell the freshly baked bagels, the sweet cinnamon churros and the tomato tanginess of pizza places as ubiquitous as Starbucks. He has fresh blooms for me every day when I walk down W. 28th Street through the flower district.

I marvel at how handsome his architecture is, from Grand Central Station to the Public Library to The Dakota – so many grand gestures of structural elegance – to the small touches, like the archway flourish in an entrance to a pre-war building or the mosaics in his subways. I could go on and on about how beautiful he is to behold.

He reminds me that despite his age, he’s quite young at heart, as I walk along the Hudson River and marvel at his glass skyscrapers that reflect the clouds. He knows I’m a pilot and I love clouds, so he keeps a lot of them around for me.

I love eavesdropping as I walk, dipping in and out of people’s commentary, usually into their cell phones. During my first trip to NY in the 90s, I saw many people talking to themselves and was told they had mental health issues. Now, I see lots of people seemingly talking out loud to themselves but then I see their airpods in their ears.

My favorite overhead comment was when I walked by a young woman, sitting up against a wall, staring out into the street, holding her phone with her finely manicured hands, framed by colorful 2-inch painted fingernails, shouting into her phone:
“CUZ YOU WUZ SLEEPING!
(pause)
IN THE BED!
(pause)
WITH NATALIA!”
I keep a small notebook in my bag to record these snippets. It’s almost full.

My friends are excited for me and my new love but they feel compelled to share their concerns about him. “Don’t stand too close to the edge of the subway or you might get pushed onto the tracks and DIE.”  “Look BOTH ways before crossing a street because the bikers don’t follow the traffic rules and you might get hit and DIE.” “Carry pepper spray in case you get mugged so you don’t DIE.” I mean, they’re right, but their cautions aren’t stopping me. I like dating this bad boy.

I do see some of the cracks in his handsome facade – the extreme division of wealth, for example. Watching a brand new Bentley drive past a pile of a man sleeping barefoot on the sidewalk, in near-freezing temperatures. The smell of dog urine, the staccato trail of poop that was dragged along the sidewalk by some tourist who’d been staring up at the Empire State Building and not paying attention to where he was stepping.

It’s too early in our dating to know if I’m going to settle down with New York City. I have fond memories of California – a kinder, gentler love I could sink into. His touches were soft and sweet and 100% organic, but after twenty-one years, I needed to shake things up a little.

I have a feeling that when I’m older and not as energized by the adrenaline of a new love, I will long for the comfort of California, as one yearns for the familiar touch of a lost partner. But for now, while I have a lust for adventure and an appetite for exploration, New York City is my man.

Just keep paddling…

25 Friday Jan 2013

Posted by Loree2e in Divorce, Mindfulness, Parenting, Relationships

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Tags

divorce, Parenting

Yesterday was one of those days that makes me appreciate the wonderful, happy days even more.

Because yesterday sucked.

I should back up and preface the suckage by talking about a couple of things that happened earlier this week.

Three days ago, right before I was about to leave for my first of 3 networking meetings of the day, my nanny stopped by….and gave me her letter of resignation. Fuck. She was distraught….literally on her knees begging me to forgive her (I’m not sure if that’s a Filipino thing or a Catholic thing). I was shocked by the resignation, as we have a great relationship, but my kids are getting older and we could only give her afternoons since the kids are in school for the first half of the day. I completely understood why she took another offer that was full-time.

The thought of telling my kids that she was leaving was almost too much for me to bear. Two years ago, it was “your dad and I are getting a divorce” last year it was “we’re selling the house (the only one you’ve ever lived in)” and now we’re kicking off 2013 with “your beloved nanny of 6 years needs to go to another family because they can offer her full-time work which she needs because her rent is being raised by her landlords (who, btw, are Google millionaires living in a 6-bedroom house next door).” The kids’ dad and I told them, along with our nanny, who sobbed just as hard as my daughter did. But that night, my daughter called me to let me know she was ok. Such a sensitive heart, that one. My kids’ resilience continues to amaze me.

Part of me is elated…maybe now I can be the one always picking up my kids and helping them with homework and doing fun projects, etc. etc. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since my kids were younger – stay home part-time and take care of them (one of the contributing factors to the breakup of my marriage: he didn’t want to give up the salary I could command). Then the brain steps back in and reminds me that I am divorced and no one is going to pay my rent for me while I’m busy being super Stay-at-Home Mom.

In a strange way, I guess I finally did get what I always wanted…I suppose I could pick up the kids everyday and be with them in the afternoons if I could find a job that only went until 2:30pm every day. So, maybe the universe is delivering…but asking me to meet it halfway.

The other thing that sent my heart to the dumps is that I had to end a relationship with someone I cared about deeply. This person was someone I’d consider a soulmate, except for the constant promises and failure to keep them. I can’t deal with dishonesty in my life. I’m a very open and honest person and when someone continuously tells me they’re going to do something but then finds excuses for not delivering on their promises…it just wore my heart down and I realized I could no longer trust this person. It was (and is) extremely painful to think of the emotional investment I had in this relationship and what the end result was. I feel like I was taken advantage of.

So, back to yesterday. After 5-months of a sabbatical, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. My brain is telling me to find a job in a big company so I can have some financial stability but my heart is telling me no no no but I don’t know what I should do to start generating income. The proceeds from a house sale (even in overly-priced Silicon Valley) can only last so long. I’m afraid of settling for something I don’t really want just for the sake of stability. I made the mistake of doing that in my marriage and in going to business school, and I’ve been trying to evolve from both of those over the past two years. It’s scary to be in this position and yesterday was one of those rare days when I take a step backwards and start beating myself up. Lots of tears and teeth gnashing, wondering how I could have screwed things up so badly. Fortunately, night eventually falls and I can go to sleep and start another day.

This morning as I made my daily walk to my local coffee shop, I passed by middle school students riding their bikes to school and I wanted to stop them and scream, “DON’T SETTLE! Do what you love! The rest will figure itself out. STOP SUCCUMBING TO FEAR or what your parents think you should do!”

As much as I want to impart this wisdom to these young adults, they would probably start calling me the crazy lady of Starbucks, and I’m pretty sure that position already has a waiting list.

Why Rendipi?

03 Sunday Jun 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Inspiration, Mindfulness

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Tags

divorce, love

Unexpected Road

I’ve always liked the word serendipity. It starts off sounding like such a formal word, full of gravitas and then you hit the third syllable and the cute little “dip” turns the requiem into a tarantella.

Serendipity definition

Over a year ago, I knew I wanted to start blogging on a more regular basis and I was considering domain names. Serendipity.com was taken by a domain squatter, so I took the outer shell off of the word and rendipi.com emerged. It represents being in the middle of unexpected blessings and that’s where I feel I am. Being a divorced woman in her 40s isn’t exactly what most would consider a blessing, yet I feel like I have finally discovered myself. I have been through many difficult emotions this past year and that has made me much more aware of the many blessings in my life. I think I had always been grateful, but experiencing some of the lows and challenges of the past year provided the necessary contrast that encourages me to note and appreciate small, everyday delights. My outer shell has come off, and the strength and happiness that I am experiencing is a pleasant surprise for me. I look forward to celebrating more occurrences of serendipity in my life.

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