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My New Love

03 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by Loree2e in Uncategorized

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divorce, love, new york, nyc

(This is an essay I wrote in one hour in an online writing workshop in January 2023)

After many years of being single, I am dating someone.

He’s fascinating, worldly, intelligent, sophisticated, energetic and full of life. He’s also grimy, noisy, temperamental and is always asking me for more money.

I’m dating him because he’s teaching me how to fall in love again.

His name is New York City.

The first time ever I saw his face was in 1995. My husband, now ex-husband, and I visited NYC to see my cousin. I was enthralled by the hustle and bustle, the availability of every known cuisine on the planet and the incredible arts scene. We saw a performance by Blue Man Group, back when it was still in a tiny theatre in the Village and my cousin was dating one of the Blue Men. New York caught my attention and I could see why my cousin was in love, but I was newly married and already committed to living on the west coast, so I dismissed my attraction to New York and settled into Palo Alto, CA for 21 years, raising a family.

Halfway through that, I got divorced. I dated, but never found the love I’d hoped for. Last year, when my youngest graduated from high school and I had the freedom to choose where to live, I knew it was time to revisit an old crush. I put all my belongings into storage and moved to Manhattan.

NYC was waiting for me. I had seen him battered and bloody in 2001 and my heart had gone out to him. I had been impressed with his resilience over the following 21 years and thought maybe NYC could teach me a thing or two about starting anew. I mean, it’s literally his first name.

Our affair is still in its early honeymoon phase. I moved here only six weeks ago, but my heart still flutters when I look up and down his avenues and I realize all that he offers me. I fall more in love with New York every day I walk his streets. I smell the freshly baked bagels, the sweet cinnamon churros and the tomato tanginess of pizza places as ubiquitous as Starbucks. He has fresh blooms for me every day when I walk down W. 28th Street through the flower district.

I marvel at how handsome his architecture is, from Grand Central Station to the Public Library to The Dakota – so many grand gestures of structural elegance – to the small touches, like the archway flourish in an entrance to a pre-war building or the mosaics in his subways. I could go on and on about how beautiful he is to behold.

He reminds me that despite his age, he’s quite young at heart, as I walk along the Hudson River and marvel at his glass skyscrapers that reflect the clouds. He knows I’m a pilot and I love clouds, so he keeps a lot of them around for me.

I love eavesdropping as I walk, dipping in and out of people’s commentary, usually into their cell phones. During my first trip to NY in the 90s, I saw many people talking to themselves and was told they had mental health issues. Now, I see lots of people seemingly talking out loud to themselves but then I see their airpods in their ears.

My favorite overhead comment was when I walked by a young woman, sitting up against a wall, staring out into the street, holding her phone with her finely manicured hands, framed by colorful 2-inch painted fingernails, shouting into her phone:
“CUZ YOU WUZ SLEEPING!
(pause)
IN THE BED!
(pause)
WITH NATALIA!”
I keep a small notebook in my bag to record these snippets. It’s almost full.

My friends are excited for me and my new love but they feel compelled to share their concerns about him. “Don’t stand too close to the edge of the subway or you might get pushed onto the tracks and DIE.”  “Look BOTH ways before crossing a street because the bikers don’t follow the traffic rules and you might get hit and DIE.” “Carry pepper spray in case you get mugged so you don’t DIE.” I mean, they’re right, but their cautions aren’t stopping me. I like dating this bad boy.

I do see some of the cracks in his handsome facade – the extreme division of wealth, for example. Watching a brand new Bentley drive past a pile of a man sleeping barefoot on the sidewalk, in near-freezing temperatures. The smell of dog urine, the staccato trail of poop that was dragged along the sidewalk by some tourist who’d been staring up at the Empire State Building and not paying attention to where he was stepping.

It’s too early in our dating to know if I’m going to settle down with New York City. I have fond memories of California – a kinder, gentler love I could sink into. His touches were soft and sweet and 100% organic, but after twenty-one years, I needed to shake things up a little.

I have a feeling that when I’m older and not as energized by the adrenaline of a new love, I will long for the comfort of California, as one yearns for the familiar touch of a lost partner. But for now, while I have a lust for adventure and an appetite for exploration, New York City is my man.

2023 Vision Statement

30 Friday Dec 2022

Posted by Loree2e in Uncategorized

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After skipping my annual vision statement exercise for 2022, I am back at the laptop, compiling a list of what I’d like to do and how I’d like to be this year.

I experimented last year with just going with the flow. I’d read Michael Singer’s The Surrender Experiment and I found it fascinating and a bit terrifying. Don’t plan your life? I’m a Virgo, that’s like telling me not to breathe. But I did take a step back from my normal long list of goals and opened up to what the Universe had to offer. 

The two goals I had for last year were 1) figure out where I’d like to live after I became an empty-nester and 2) perform my show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, which I had previously committed to, at the end of 2021.

Fast forward to now, the end of 2022, and I’m happy to have accomplished both of those goals. I decided to live in Manhattan for a “gap year” so I can be closer to my family and tap into the creative energy of NYC. I had a fabulous run of my play in Scotland and I learned what worked well and what I’d like to do differently in the next version of the show. 

However, there were many times during 2022 when I felt lost and anxious. Maybe I’d swung too far to the other side of the “planning” pendulum? 

For 2023, I’m going back to creating an annual vision statement because I’ve found the structure is comforting to me and still allows me to be open to unplanned possibilities. So here goes!

It’s December 2023.

What a year in NYC! I made a decision about whether or not I’m extending my stay here and will include that in my 2024 Vision Statement. Being here on the east coast made it easier for me to visit my parents frequently and see my brothers and their families more often. I also saw Julia at least every other week and we started a tradition where she and a couple of friends come over, do their laundry and we cook dinner together. I helped my dad self-publish his book about leadership, something we worked on together for much of 2022. We celebrated my Mom’s 80th birthday with a fun weekend at the beach together. I’m grateful that they’re all in good health.

Despite living in a tiny 650 square foot apartment, I figured out how to host dinner parties and enjoyed having friends over. I met so many new neighbors and kept in touch with my dear friends from California, several of whom I saw when they visited the city. I enjoyed going with friends to concerts, including Crowded House and Metallica, two of my favorites.

I am happy that I’m back to working full time and having a great impact with a group of people I love working with. I’m proud that I published my second book, a self-help/self-coaching book, which I thought I was going to do in 2020, but oh well. It’s fulfilling for me to hear that it’s inspiring people to work through their fears and live lives that they love. 

Part of getting the New York experience was volunteering in my community. I enjoyed being able to meet new people and devote my time to a cause that’s meaningful to me. I also continued my pro-bono coaching that I’ve been doing for the past couple of years for clients from historically marginalized communities. 

This was a year of increased creativity for me. I developed my one-woman show into a more theatrical piece that I’m super proud of. I performed it at the Hollywood Fringe Festival in June and at the November United Solo festival in NYC. I hope to go back to Edinburgh in 2024.

I started writing again in 2022 and had submitted an essay to the NY Times Modern Love column but it was rejected. No worries, I kept going and eventually used the story as the basis for my first novel, which I self-published in 2023.

I was sad to have to give up encaustic painting for a year because of my limited space and ventilation in my apartment, but I made up for it by making 100 acrylic abstract paintings. While encaustic will always be my favorite medium, I’ve really enjoyed this year of experimentation and exploration.

A couple of years ago I had a goal to be able to play piano while singing along, and this year I finally did it! I can now sing three songs with my own accompaniment. All in all, it was a super creative year for me and I’m inspired to do even more in 2024.

I’m grateful for another year on this planet. I aspired to be compassionate, curious, and patient in 2023 and I’m proud of myself for having had an open and loving perspective this year. I hope I inspired others to do the same.

Vision statement, shmision statement

01 Friday Jan 2021

Posted by Loree2e in Uncategorized

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2021, newyearsresolutions

If you know me, you probably know that a few years ago, I started doing an annual vision statement (2017, 2018, 2019, 2020). I’d think about what I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming year and write a long missive incorporating all the areas of my life – work, family, health, relationships, personal growth, etc. – and tack it up here on my blog, to help with accountability.

Last year, I wrote “20 Things I Will Accomplish in 2020,” with grandiose plans to Play Piano and Sing (#12)! Learn to Speak Spanish (#10)! Get Paid for Public Speaking (#9)!

I started off the year traveling to SoCal twice to kick off several of my goals. On the drive south in January, during my first trip, I visited a place I’d never been before (#20), Avila Beach on the Central Coast. It was a relaxing and productive trip to San Diego and Santa Barbara, visiting friends from college and the navy, working with a ghostwriter on a leadership book (#5) and earning my Mindful Resilience Training certification from Veterans Yoga Project (#19).

sunset at Avila Beach pier
Avila Beach Pier

In February, I flew to LA and worked on my one-woman show (#11) with my director, Beth. I flew home feeling excited about the prospect of performing it on stage in Palo Alto in September, having already reserved a theater space.

And then the pandemic hit. And George Floyd was murdered. And California was on fire.

The uncertainty of the future was frustrating for a planner like myself (#Virgo). But really, when you think about it, when *is* the future certain? Thank you, Universe, for the “growth opportunity” to learn to relax my fixation on grandiose plans.

So we sheltered at home. I baked a lot. I gained 15 pounds. I joined an anti-racism coaching group and educated myself about the privilege I’ve enjoyed as a white woman and the white-supremacist societal structures I’ve benefitted from. I got to spend a lot more time with Julia, who has been living with me full time. We went to racial justice protests together. I didn’t get to travel to any more new locations, although we did spend a few days in Tahoe, courtesy of my real estate agent who lent us her cabin (thank you, Shelly!), and a weekend in Monterey at a beachside hotel that had no central HVAC, because that felt safe. I sold my home and started renting a condo a block from downtown, which I love, because I can walk to so many places. I feel incredibly grateful that my friends and family have stayed healthy and safe. I mourned those in my extended circles who weren’t as fortunate.

I was able to knock a few things off my 2020 list. I arranged a second printing of my book, She’s Just Another Navy Pilot and made it available on Kindle (#4). I took the kids to Yosemite for a weekend get-away at the end of January (#3). I performed my one-woman show to a small audience on Zoom, in November. I finished my coaching certification training (#8) and am waiting to take my oral exam, in Feburary.

My book in paperback!

As for the other 14 items on my 2020 list? Ha! Fuhgettaboutit.

So now, what’s up for 2021?

I decided to take a break from my annual “to do” list and instead, for 2021, I’m compiling a “to be” list. I’m stealing this idea from my coaching friend, Amy Koop, who also is a proponent of “micro-resolutions”: one small habit you do every day for 30 days (e.g. meditate for 10 minutes, do 20 push-ups, etc.), which feels much more do-able than 20 big-ass resolutions. A “to-be” list doesn’t trigger my hyper-achiever saboteur, and I can work toward more self-awareness rather than focusing on things I think I “should” be doing. (side note: if you’re interested in learning more about “saboteurs” and strengthening your inner Sage, I’m leading workshops about this. It’s work that’s helped me be more productive and happier, and I love sharing it with my coaching clients. Learn more here).

I’m also influenced by a book I read this year, The Surrender Experiment, by Michael Singer. It’s an autobiography of his experience going with the flow of life and what the Universe presented to him, instead of trying to over-control his circumstances. It’s heightened my curiosity about what would happen if I relaxed my plans and just went with the flow for a year.

How do I want to be in 2021?

I want to be:

  • Curious
  • Open
  • Creative
  • Present
  • Loving
  • Kind
  • Brave
  • Light-hearted
  • Strong
  • Grateful
  • Generous

Yes, my list goes to eleven.

So, here we go, 2021. Please don’t be another dumpster-fire of a year.

Fooling around with the iPhone wide-angle lens and my two favorite children.

2018 Vision Statement Scorecard

01 Tuesday Jan 2019

Posted by Loree2e in Uncategorized

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IMG_6070

In 2016, I started working in an organization that encourages vision statements. The thought is that by stating an intention, you’re more likely to achieve the goal you’ve set than if you just think about it without writing it down.

I’ve found that to be true, and it also helps to inject some accountability into the process by sharing it. So, before I share my 2019 Vision Statement in a separate post, I thought I should review 2018’s and see how things shook out.

I’m a visual person, so I like using green (#nailedit), yellow (some progress, but not complete) and red (nope) to score each element.

This year, my 20 goals came in at 8 green, 6 yellow and 6 red. That tells me I set the bar high! It was a challenging year, and I’m grateful for the love and support of my family and friends.

Family:

  • Visited NYC together and saw some Broadway shows. My daughter and I went to NYC together in June to see the David Bowie Is exhibit at the Brooklyn museum. It was such a treat to share that experience with her. While we were there, we saw Mean Girls and The Book of Mormon.
  • Both kids are growing up to be independent, happy young adults. It wasn’t an easy year for my son, but I’m really proud of his progress.
    My daughter is enjoying cheerleading at Paly and is a happy 9th-grader.
  • Enjoyed a fun Vegas Girls’ trip with my mom. Mom and I saw the Moody Blues in Vegas, on their 50th anniversary of the Days of Future Past album. It was a great concert, but we forgot that Vegas is COLD in January, so no pool time for us!
  • Did a family vacation to a new spot. No new locales this year.
  • Visited my parents in Tampa. I took the kids to visit over the long Presidents Day weekend.
  • I finally met the partner I’d hoped for and we are building a life together. Dated a really nice guy for a few months at the beginning of the year, but he’s not the long-term partner I’m looking for. I’m hoping I’ll find someone to love in 2019.

Friends:

  • Finally did our international girls trip! Did a girls trip to Laguna Beach, which was awesome, but not international. 🙂
  • Hosted a dinner party for my WHIP friends and our partners. Unfortunately, didn’t host any dinner parties this year. Will need to remedy that in the new year.

Work:

  • I successfully supported AHE in our move to GBM It was a challenge the first half of the year, but by the end of 2018, I felt like our team was performing strongly again.
  • In our new team, we have radically improved education for all of our customers. My team is now creating help and education content that’s customer-centric and holistic, across a multitude of education modalities. I’m super proud of how far we’ve progressed and grateful for working with such talented and passionate people. 
  • I was able to get an investment for community and we’ve increased the engagement which has helped support and education. Had my hands full with the changes for my team, so I didn’t put a proposal together in 2018.
  • I started a Women@GBM group and helped support women in our org. Started  Managers Circles in GBM to help create more community within our org, but not the specific women’s-empowerment training I’d hope to create, yet. 

Community:

  • Started a Facebook group for my neighborhood and at least half of my neighbors (13 of 26) joined. I started the Facebook group and 12 of the 25 neighbors joined…so close to my goal of 13! It’s been great to feel a little closer to the people who live around me; I cherish the real-life connection.
  • Continued supporting veterans transitioning to tech by participating in VetsinTech and other vet orgs. I participated on several veteran-focused panels, including the Bob Woodruff Foundation, Breakline and VetsinTech, and spoke at functions for NPower, Facebook and DropBox. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to support veterans who are transitioning out of the military. I remember the anxiety and fear of wondering whether or not I’d be able to translate my skills to the civilian world, so I’m happy to be able to share my experience and, hopefully, ease stress that others may feel.

Me:

  • Painting: I attended the International Encaustic Conference in Massachusetts in June. I set up my art studio and completed 20 paintings, enough to sign up for Open Studios in 2019. I have posted my paintings to my art website, encaustech.com, and have sold a few. I’ve begun talking with Facebook about doing an encaustic installation on one of the walls at work. I didn’t realize when I signed up to attend this conference that it was the same weekend as my daughter’s 8th-grade graduation – aagh! So I wasn’t able to go, and I have a wedding to attend over Memorial weekend in 2019, so I might not make it back to a conference until 2010. Did a little bit of painting in the beginning of the year, but focused more on flying and work during the second half, so I hope to get painting more in 2019.
  • Design: I completed a web development course and was able to use what I learned to redesign encaustech.com, which I am now using to both exhibit and sell my artwork. Investigating how to do a small installation at Facebook.I updated my Facebook Page for Encaustech, but not much else. Did not do any coding this year.  😦
  • Writing: I sold the screenplay I wrote in 2017 and wrote another one. Wrote a better ending to the existing screenplay and am working on turning it into a television series.
  • Fitness: I rode the Peloton bike 3-4X a week and did yoga at least 2X/week. Took a pole dancing class and loved it. I’m exploring options to get certified in teaching yoga. Rode the Peloton on average 3-4X a month, and was sporadic in yoga. I had an injury in June that set my workouts back for about 2 months. Oy, the joys of getting older…
  • Travel: I visited two new places this year (options include Bulgaria, Lisbon, Buenos Aires, Copenhagen, Prague, Berlin, Costa Rica).Visited Buenos Aires, Santa Fe, Queenstown and Sydney. Loved the travel I got to do, but by the holidays, I was ready to take a break.
  • Flying: I renewed my medical and got current again in a small plane. I fly every 3 weeks or so and enjoy taking friends up for flights. Renewed my medical and am ready to take my tailwheel checkride, just got delayed because of travel and weather. Should finish this in January – yay! I’m looking forward to taking my friends flying…who wants to go?

Love, Reign O’er Me

29 Sunday Jul 2018

Posted by Loree2e in Uncategorized

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I visited Carmel-by-the-Sea this past weekend. It’s one of my favorite places, and as I enjoyed the cold, misty night and morning, I thought of this song.

I love the lyric, “The way the beach is kissed by the sea”

Always loved a good cover. This one is pretty special.

Back in the Saddle. Week 1.

09 Saturday May 2015

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I’m taking an online writing course to help me create a daily writing habit. Each day, we read a short poem or piece of writing that is used as an inspirational writing prompt.

Here’s Week One’s output.

Day One: Ten questions, biographical or in character. I chose the main character from a novel I am writing about a girl whose family relocated to Hawaii in the mid-80’s.

1. When I was ten years old, I thought that I’d grow up to be a veterinarian. I loved animals and always wanted a pet, but we move around a lot because my dad is in the Marine Corps, so my parents won’t let me have a dog or cat or any pet, although I usually adopt some local creature as my own whenever I can. During second grade, I went on a camping trip with my scout group and found a huge snail, so I smuggled it home and kept it on my windowsill. I’d steal pieces of lettuce from my dinner plate and feed it. I didn’t think it would move mooch but the next day when I cam home from school, the snail was gone. I like to think it crawled down the wall of our apartment building and I rationalized its absence as that rather than it being plucked from the windowsill by a bird.

2. Instead I grew up to be …well, I’m not quite grown up yet in the sense of graduating college, getting a job and all that grown up kind of stuff. I am working at our local pizza parlor, if that counts, but I’d like to think I will advance beyond food prep work.

3. The worst thing I ever did was in 5th grade when I told one of the girls in my neighborhood about where babies come from. She was only 8 years old at the time but I had just had “the talk” at school and she asked, so I gave it to her straight. I liked feeling like I knew something special and I didn’t want to seem like a snob with my newfound knowledge, so I described the mechanics of the act. The next day, when I cam home from school, I saw The Look on my mother’s face. Apparently my description of sex had completely freaked out the girl and she hadn’t slept most of the night. I had to go over to her house and apologize to her and her mother. I was mortified.

4. I used to think the Bible was true, but every since my experience at my Catholic high school now I believe it’s just an epic novel.

5. The accomplishment that I am the most proud of is beating Claudia Elden in the 1981 spelling bee. Echinacea. What the hell?

6. If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to know if someone is lying.

7. In my purse/bag, I always carry a brush. Damn irish genes.

8. One thing I’ve never told anyone about is that last summer, I went on one of those amusement park rides with a dark tunnel and I kissed my cousin. With tongue.

9. I typically express my creativity by decorating my room and drawing. I also really enjoy acting. I get a lot of practice every time my family moves and I have to show up at a new school and make friends.

10. If I were to run away, I would take my Sony walkman and stow away in an airplane and go back to the mainland. But I would never do that.

Day Two: Bullet to the Brain, inspiration from “Bullet In The Brain,” by Tobias Wolff

She didn’t remember the slamming of metal onto metal and how her body was thrown violently against the harness straps of her ejection seat when the jet she flew stopped cold in 60 feet on the aircraft carrier. She didn’t remember the deep feelings of loss when friends were plucked from existence, seen one morning before a mission but never to return. The birthdays, Christmases, Easter baskets, summer BBQs…none came to mind as the bullet pierced her skull. She didn’t recall graduations, First Communion, confirmation, her wedding, the final signing of her divorce papers…no rites of passage in her life which at the time had felt heavy and electric.

She remembered sweat and pressure and pain and the overwhelming desire to push a baby out of her body. She remembered her first: stuck in the canal, hesitant to emerge. She thought he would never come out, and when he finally was suctioned free, she saw his gray pallor and held him for a second before he was whisked away by nurses to be resuscitated. She remembered her second, a girl, who gave her a damnned difficult pregnancy but popped out with three pushes. Her daughter was pink, warm, soft and sweet. She remembered holding her for the first time, and as the bullet completed its path and introduced her to her mortality, she remembered that she had brought life into this world and would never truly leave it.

Day Three: Obsessions/Complusions. Inspiration from A Plague of Tics, by David Sedaris

I can’t buy it anymore. I think that I’ll be able to moderate my consumption, but if there is a jar of Nutella in my house, it will not last more than a day. Despite earnest attempts at willpower, I simply cannot resist. Maybe it’s because it tastes so damn good on just about everything. You can spread it on bland delivery devices like bread or crackers. Dipping something salty like a pretzel yields nirvana. A spoonful on a scoop of vanilla ice cream elevates the dessert to divine. Jamming a spoon into the jar and pulling away a glob works fine, too, until you find yourself with the very last traces, wondering how the creators of this magical creme could design a jar that does not enable you to scrape out the remnants and you are forced to test whether or not your tongue is long enough to lick the sides. I have learned my lesson and accepted that I must refrain from purchasing the jars I see at the grocery store and deny myself the pleasures of Nutella, lest my jeans start straining from the rapid consumption of 2,000 calories. And don’t get me started about those assholes at CostCo, with their 2-pack of 33.5 oz jars of my Kryptonite. They mock my pain.

Day Four: Pillow Book. Inspiration from the The Pillow Book of Lady Sei Shonagon, an observational notebook written over 1,000 years ago.

Annoying things

Being awakened from a deep, comfortable warm sleep by the jagged, blaring bleats of one’s alarm clock.
The reckless driver who speeds through a parking lot of stationary cars and exposed people.
The distracted driver who plods along in the left lane of the highway, drifting sporadically towards the slower lane but never pulling into it.

Wonderful things
Sliding the USB cable into a port with the correct side up so it easily engages and you don’t have to flip it over and try again.
The first bite of a warm, sugary malasada…slightly crispy on the outside but doughy and soft on the inside.
The moment when your daughter spots you in the crowd of parantparazzi at the school band concert and knows you made the effort to be there to support her.
When your young children wrap their chubby little arms around your neck and hold on to you like they’ll never let you go.

Day Five: was a long week at work and I punted this assignment.

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