Yesterday was one of those days that makes me appreciate the wonderful, happy days even more.
Because yesterday sucked.
I should back up and preface the suckage by talking about a couple of things that happened earlier this week.
Three days ago, right before I was about to leave for my first of 3 networking meetings of the day, my nanny stopped by….and gave me her letter of resignation. Fuck. She was distraught….literally on her knees begging me to forgive her (I’m not sure if that’s a Filipino thing or a Catholic thing). I was shocked by the resignation, as we have a great relationship, but my kids are getting older and we could only give her afternoons since the kids are in school for the first half of the day. I completely understood why she took another offer that was full-time.
The thought of telling my kids that she was leaving was almost too much for me to bear. Two years ago, it was “your dad and I are getting a divorce” last year it was “we’re selling the house (the only one you’ve ever lived in)” and now we’re kicking off 2013 with “your beloved nanny of 6 years needs to go to another family because they can offer her full-time work which she needs because her rent is being raised by her landlords (who, btw, are Google millionaires living in a 6-bedroom house next door).” The kids’ dad and I told them, along with our nanny, who sobbed just as hard as my daughter did. But that night, my daughter called me to let me know she was ok. Such a sensitive heart, that one. My kids’ resilience continues to amaze me.
Part of me is elated…maybe now I can be the one always picking up my kids and helping them with homework and doing fun projects, etc. etc. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since my kids were younger – stay home part-time and take care of them (one of the contributing factors to the breakup of my marriage: he didn’t want to give up the salary I could command). Then the brain steps back in and reminds me that I am divorced and no one is going to pay my rent for me while I’m busy being super Stay-at-Home Mom.
In a strange way, I guess I finally did get what I always wanted…I suppose I could pick up the kids everyday and be with them in the afternoons if I could find a job that only went until 2:30pm every day. So, maybe the universe is delivering…but asking me to meet it halfway.
The other thing that sent my heart to the dumps is that I had to end a relationship with someone I cared about deeply. This person was someone I’d consider a soulmate, except for the constant promises and failure to keep them. I can’t deal with dishonesty in my life. I’m a very open and honest person and when someone continuously tells me they’re going to do something but then finds excuses for not delivering on their promises…it just wore my heart down and I realized I could no longer trust this person. It was (and is) extremely painful to think of the emotional investment I had in this relationship and what the end result was. I feel like I was taken advantage of.
So, back to yesterday. After 5-months of a sabbatical, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. My brain is telling me to find a job in a big company so I can have some financial stability but my heart is telling me no no no but I don’t know what I should do to start generating income. The proceeds from a house sale (even in overly-priced Silicon Valley) can only last so long. I’m afraid of settling for something I don’t really want just for the sake of stability. I made the mistake of doing that in my marriage and in going to business school, and I’ve been trying to evolve from both of those over the past two years. It’s scary to be in this position and yesterday was one of those rare days when I take a step backwards and start beating myself up. Lots of tears and teeth gnashing, wondering how I could have screwed things up so badly. Fortunately, night eventually falls and I can go to sleep and start another day.
This morning as I made my daily walk to my local coffee shop, I passed by middle school students riding their bikes to school and I wanted to stop them and scream, “DON’T SETTLE! Do what you love! The rest will figure itself out. STOP SUCCUMBING TO FEAR or what your parents think you should do!”
As much as I want to impart this wisdom to these young adults, they would probably start calling me the crazy lady of Starbucks, and I’m pretty sure that position already has a waiting list.