Compartmentalizing

I saw a friend of mine, another mom, at my son’s baseball game today. I hadn’t talked with her for a while, and we were catching up on how our lives have been since the last time we saw each other. I was pleasantly surprised and flattered that she told me she has put into practice something that she had learned from me – compartmentalizing.

The official definition of compartmentalizing is “dividing into sections or categories” but the way I was trained by the navy is to focus on the thing that needs your attention most and de-prioritize the other stuff or leave it out of your mind. It was extremely helpful for flying, and the concept was constantly drilled in our heads by the oft-used phrase, “Aviate, Navigate, Communicate”; i.e. keep the plane flying, figure out where you are, and then talk with air traffic controllers. For example, if the engine quits in flight, fly the plane (keep your airspeed up enough so you don’t stall and make matters worse) and deal with the emergency. Then, figure out where you are and look for a good place to land, and finally–and only after taking care of “aviate” and “navigate”–transmit your intentions on the radio to air traffic control (ATC), aka the guy sitting in the air-conditioned building, eating a Twinkie while you’re fighting snakes in the cockpit. It seems pretty straight-forward, but when you’re dealing with an emergency in the cockpit and you start drifting toward restricted airspace and ATC is squawking in your headset, asking you what’s going on, it’s important to shut out unnecessary noise and deal first with the top priority – keep the plane flying.

I don’t remember having the conversation with my friend about compartmentalizing, but I don’t doubt that in a past discussion I advocated for its usage in our hectic lives. Focusing on work while I’m at work and not worrying about issues at home helps me to be more productive. Being present at home while I’m with my kids and not thinking about work enables me to be a better mom. Compartmentalizing helps me be a better (and safer) pilot in the air; on the ground it empowers me to get my priorities straight, based on my situation.

I was caught off-guard this year to find that there is a downside to compartmentalizing that I had not been aware of – not dealing with all that stuff that you’ve left out of your mind so you could focus on the task at hand means there are issues that are unresolved and they can start to fester in your soul. Over the past year, I ended my marriage and also had to say goodbye to someone I loved, and instead of dealing with the sorrow and grief over the losses, I compartmentalized. It was good for getting through my days and being productive, but bad for my heart and my emotional health. The sorrow I felt started manifesting itself as doubts, and worse, regrets, and I finally had to force myself to process the feelings of loss so I could move on.

My friend and I had a good chuckle about how compartmentalizing enables us to release the anxiety of whiny children (well, rarely whiny children) and demanding jobs. Hearing her delight was the best compliment I’ve received in a long time. I felt such joy to know that something I said had made a positive difference in my friend’s life. I pray that I can replicate that.

We can make our minds so like still water
that beings gather about us that they may see,
it may be, their own images,
and so live for a moment with a clearer,
perhaps even with a fiercer life
because of our quiet.

From Earth, Fire and Water
By William Butler Yeats
(b. 1865-1939)

Slipping the surly bonds

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Spines in the sky

I’ve wanted to write a post about flying and all the things about it that I love but I keep coming back to the famous poem by John Gillespie Magee, Jr., “High Flight.” His poem so beautifully captures the joy and wonder and freedom of flight, that I feel like nothing I could conjure could come close to it. Unfortunately, I think that most people associate it with memorials of those who have died in airplane accidents or President Reagan’s speech about the Challenger shuttle catastrophe.

I did a little research (ok, I just looked at wikipedia) and I was amazed to find that Magee, Jr. died at the young age of 19, in a training accident while flying a Spitfire. It’s stunning to me that someone so young could so eloquently describe the essence of flying.

Often, the first and last lines are combined as a quote, but here is the poem in its entirety:

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
 And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
 Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
 of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
 You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
 High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there,
 I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
 My eager craft through footless halls of air….

 Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
 I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace.
 Where never lark, or even eagle flew —
 And, while with silent lifting mind I have trod
 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
 – Put out my hand, and touched the face of God


I hope that I can eventually write something about flying that will capture even a small fraction of that beauty. For now, I read his words…I think about all the wonderful times I’ve danced in the clouds and all the flights that are yet to come, and I smile…how fortunate I am to be privy to that magnificent world overhead.

Remembering

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[edit: this was reposted a week late from my other blog, hence the incorrect date]

Today is Memorial Day.  *Not* Veterans Day. I grew up the daughter of a Marine and the difference was explained to me, very seriously, at an early age when I made the reprehensible (to my dad) mistake of mixing them up: on Veterans Day we celebrate all those who have served. On Memorial Day we remember and honor those who died while serving.

As a child, I observed the holiday with my family and was often uncomfortable by my father’s demeanor on that day. He was more solemn than usual, and often quiet and alone in his thoughts and memories of those he had known. I was aware that he knew many marines who had died, some of whom he had led in combat in Vietnam, but I was too young to appreciate the scale of the losses he had endured. It wasn’t until years later, when I was a young officer in the navy, that I could start to understand the responsibility and bond that one must experience to fully comprehend.

Over an 18 month period during my first fleet tour, we lost six aviators from my air wing. That’s about 3% of the naval aviators onboard a carrier. We weren’t even in combat, getting shot at. I remember the shock of the mishaps, the realization that someone I had just seen at chow earlier in the day was now dead. Strangely, I never thought twice about not continuing. I loved flying off the carrier and that was my job. The biggest worry I had was that I might somehow screw something up and cost someone else his or her life. Especially as the pilot of a jet with 1 to 3 other people flying along with me, I felt an immense responsibility for their safety. I began to understand my father’s grief.

I miss the camaraderie of the ready room and the bond I shared with other active duty servicemembers. It’s odd to realize that I am now one of those civilians we used to complain about…although perhaps because I did serve, I am not in the same league. There is a unique connection that exists among those of us who, at one time in our lives, were ready to give up our lives for the greater good of our county. While we used to joke that we were merely pawns in a game played by politicians and flag officers, we all knew inside that what we did mattered. By serving in the military, we were each contributing in our own way to the preservation of democracy. As a naval aviator, it was easy for me to believe that about my service, but I also felt the same about the contributions of everyone on the aircraft carrier. It didn’t matter if you were steering the ship or scrubbing a salt-water shitter…you were making a difference and it was appreciated. (Funny that since leaving the military, the only other job I’ve had where I’ve felt like I’ve had a similar level of impact is my job as a mom. And just as I can share a smile with a mom who is struggling with a cranky toddler and feel like we both “get it,” I can shake the hand of a veteran and know that we share a unique bond).

I wish there was a more impactful way to celebrate Memorial Day. Today, with my children, I will observe a minute of silence and then I will tell them about the friends of mine who died before, during and after our deployment to the Persian Gulf. I want my kids to remember that we are extremely fortunate to live in a country where there are people willing to give up their precious lives to keep us living in a free land.

If someone makes the mistake of confusing Veterans Day with Memorial Day and thanks me for my service, I will of course accept the gratitude. But I will be thinking of my friends who are no longer here, and thanking them for making the ultimate sacrifice.

Why Rendipi?

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Unexpected Road

I’ve always liked the word serendipity. It starts off sounding like such a formal word, full of gravitas and then you hit the third syllable and the cute little “dip” turns the requiem into a tarantella.

Serendipity definition

Over a year ago, I knew I wanted to start blogging on a more regular basis and I was considering domain names. Serendipity.com was taken by a domain squatter, so I took the outer shell off of the word and rendipi.com emerged. It represents being in the middle of unexpected blessings and that’s where I feel I am. Being a divorced woman in her 40s isn’t exactly what most would consider a blessing, yet I feel like I have finally discovered myself. I have been through many difficult emotions this past year and that has made me much more aware of the many blessings in my life. I think I had always been grateful, but experiencing some of the lows and challenges of the past year provided the necessary contrast that encourages me to note and appreciate small, everyday delights. My outer shell has come off, and the strength and happiness that I am experiencing is a pleasant surprise for me. I look forward to celebrating more occurrences of serendipity in my life.

Farmers’ Market Meditation

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I have found more peace in my life through the practice of mindfulness: being present and paying attention to the here and now. My self-appointed mantra is “Right here, right now” to help bring me back to the present when my mind invariably starts to wander.

I have been trying to remember to stay mindful and, like any new habit, it can be challenging. I’m currently reading a book called Buddhism for Mothers to help build the habit. I read a blog post about picking two things–opening a door, and taking a seat–and remembering to to be mindful while doing those two things. In the course of one day, out of about 10 times opening a door and 10 times sitting down, I remembered to be present twice, so 10% of the time. Better than 0% (I like that Buddhism is also about not beating yourself up to much when things don’t go how you planned. I’m a little worried that being a good Buddhist means no plans at all, and that would be difficult for me).

Every Sunday morning, I go to the Farmers’ Market and if my kids are with me, we order crêpes. I still tend to pronounce it “craype” rather than the french “crepp” but my kids don’t care. My daughter always gets the strawberry crêpe and my son gets 2 Citron (lemon, sugar and butter) on one plate. I love watching him eat them because he doesn’t believe in cutting with a knife and fork. He stabs the mound of crêpe with his plastic fork and then lifts the mass off the plate and takes bites out of it. At first I tried to correct his manners, but his method seems to work for him, and I’m counting on peer pressure when he’s a teenager to help correct a lot of these behaviors. I just have to ensure he stays friends with the kids whose parents nagged them about manners.

This morning, my son was off on a trip with his dad, so my daughter and I visited the Farmers’ Market together. She placed her order for the usual with me and then skipped off to the coffee cart to order a Turkish Cappucino (espresso and chai) for me while I stood in line at the crêpe tent (I am so lucky to have a daughter who enjoys – for the time being – going off by herself to fetch me caffeine). I often rotate my crêpe choices but today decided on one Citron since my son was not with us. Timing worked out so my daughter emerged from the coffee store just as I was settling in to our usual sitting area next to the street musician, and we began to eat our crêpes to the tunes of bluegrass. “Right here, right now” popped into my head and I took a breathe and began to savor this weekly ritual.

First, I placed the paper plate on my lap and enjoyed the warmth of the crêpe sinking into the tops of my thighs…not enough to hurt, just enough to know my breakfast was still hot. As the banjo player quickly picked the strings of his instrument and sang “Keep on the Sunny Side” (from the “O Brother Where Art Thou” soundtrack), I picked up my white plastic fork and knife and began my experience. I sank the fork into the crêpe and held the corner firm while I sliced into it with the knife until it separated and I struck the plate. I gently placed the knife on the side of the plate and switched the fork over to my right hand (my parents were ones who nagged about manners). I slid the fork under the morsel of crêpe and slowly lifted it towards my mouth, inhaling the sweet smell and admiring the soft white speckles of confectioners sugar. I placed the warm bite into my open mouth and closed my lips around the fork, letting the warmth of the crêpe sink into my tongue as I slid the fork out, grateful for its delivery. I shifted my tongue slightly, so the slippery butter could spill out as my teeth slowly started to masticate this delightfully chewy package of citrus, sugar and melted cream. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and tune out the bluegrass as I slowly chewed and savored and enjoyed each bite. In between bites I enjoyed sips of hot, spicy espresso to wash down the sweetness of the crêpe and prepare my tongue for the next incoming gift. When I reached the last bite–the treasured fold of the crêpe, where the lemon, sugar and butter have been tucked away, never to touch paper plate or air–I repeated the enjoyment cycle one last time. As the remainder of the crêpe slid down my throat to join its brethren in my happy tummy, I smiled with satisfaction, mostly because I had stayed in the present for the entire time I ate the crêpe but also because by slowing down I felt satiated…not longing for more. I was happy with where I was, right there, right then. Right here, right now.

Something great is coming…

From West Side Story

Could be!
Who knows?
There’s something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballing down through the sky,
Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!

Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there’s a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something’s coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

With a click, with a shock,
Phone’ll jingle, door’ll knock,
Open the latch!
Something’s coming, don’t know when, but it’s soon;
Catch the moon,
One-handed catch!

Around the corner,
Or whistling down the river,
Come on, deliver
To me!
Will it be? Yes, it will.
Maybe just by holding still,
It’ll be there!

Come on, something, come on in, don’t be shy,
Meet a guy,
Pull up a chair!
The air is humming,
And something great is coming!
Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Maybe tonight . . .

I have this great anticipation of writing something of interest. I often think of this song sung by Tony in WSS, expressing this feeling that something amazing is waiting around the corner. Unfortunately for Tony, what was waiting was forbidden love and a bullet to the gut, but I’m hopeful my “something great” will be the dedication to write. I’ve been wanting to write for a long time and have always found excuses not to. I feel the stories percolating inside of me but never quite breaking the surface to compel me to sit at a keyboard. Or, I’ll think of something interesting to write but not have my computer and fail to write down the idea. It’s time for those days to be over. I’m officially declaring myself a writer.

Possible writing projects (I love lists):

  • (NF) what it’s like to be single again post-divorce
  • (F) novel based on high school experiences in Hawaii (convenient excuse to go to Oahu for research – yes!)
  • (F) futuristic tale of the world, if we lived in a matriarchal society rather than old white guys in power.
  • (F) scintillating novel about SV
  • (NF) magazine articles
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