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NYC Diaries: January 2023

10 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by Loree2e in Uncategorized

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love

January was what I’d consider my first full month living in New York City, although I was in Tampa for one week to celebrate my Mom’s 80th birthday.

It felt like my first full month because I’d completed getting my apartment set up with furniture and the last of my belongings from Tampa, and I started getting out more in the community. I began volunteering at the USS Intrepid Air and Space Museum and I signed up for an acting class on Sundays.

I’m participating in one of Beth Bornstein Dunnington’s Performing the Story workshops and the theme is “The Romance Stories.” I’m not in a relationship, but I was inspired to write about a love that’s been sidelined for now – flying – and a new love: New York City. I’ll be performing my piece about flying on February 19th in our online show, but I also liked my New York piece, so I posted it here.

Living here so far has been a mix of emotions, mostly positive. There’s always something going on, and so much to take in using all my senses. I feel grateful for this opportunity to live in this incredible place.

I’ve also had times of feeling lonely and a little lost. I smile at the irony of having lots of time to devote to a relationship at a time now when I’m not in a relationship. This came to a head for me when I watched Episode Three of The Last of Us, on HBO. There was a beautiful story of a relationship between two people in the back halves of their lives, trying to survive the unimaginable and somehow finding love in the middle of it. I sobbed watching the show, as I long for a love like that. I’ve been single going on twelve years now, and I’ve yet to find the Frank to my Bill. Or the Bill to my Frank? It depends on the day.

The day after watching the episode, I lamented in my morning pages that I was tired of trying to find someone to love, that I’ve waited long enough for the Universe to provide, that I’m done being patient (I want patience and I want it now, lol). I wrote, “Why don’t I just give up hope I’ll ever find love again? I feel like maybe I should. If I don’t hope, then I won’t be disappointed. I don’t know. I think I need a dog.”

I closed my journal and made my morning coffee. I plopped down on the sofa and scrolled through Instagram. And this popped up:

The comment underneath was even more beautiful and resonant for me; it’s too long to include here but if you feel moved to check out the Instagram post, it is worth the read. The tears came for me after reading this post, because this is so true. Every day I walk through NYC, I fall in love. I love the people, the architecture, the energy, the clouds, the lights, the colors, the sounds, the music, the public transportation. Love IS everything around me. And I am Love.

I felt more hopeful after reading that. I felt like going for a walk, so I strolled down the High Line, and I saw this sign in a Chelsea gallery window:

Okay, Universe, maybe I won’t give up yet. And then, as if the Universe was putting a fine point on it, I saw this poem on Instagram:

So, the lesson I’m taking away from all of this is: if you need a sign from the Universe, open Instagram. And hold on.

My New Love

03 Friday Feb 2023

Posted by Loree2e in Uncategorized

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divorce, love, new york, nyc

(This is an essay I wrote in one hour in an online writing workshop in January 2023)

After many years of being single, I am dating someone.

He’s fascinating, worldly, intelligent, sophisticated, energetic and full of life. He’s also grimy, noisy, temperamental and is always asking me for more money.

I’m dating him because he’s teaching me how to fall in love again.

His name is New York City.

The first time ever I saw his face was in 1995. My husband, now ex-husband, and I visited NYC to see my cousin. I was enthralled by the hustle and bustle, the availability of every known cuisine on the planet and the incredible arts scene. We saw a performance by Blue Man Group, back when it was still in a tiny theatre in the Village and my cousin was dating one of the Blue Men. New York caught my attention and I could see why my cousin was in love, but I was newly married and already committed to living on the west coast, so I dismissed my attraction to New York and settled into Palo Alto, CA for 21 years, raising a family.

Halfway through that, I got divorced. I dated, but never found the love I’d hoped for. Last year, when my youngest graduated from high school and I had the freedom to choose where to live, I knew it was time to revisit an old crush. I put all my belongings into storage and moved to Manhattan.

NYC was waiting for me. I had seen him battered and bloody in 2001 and my heart had gone out to him. I had been impressed with his resilience over the following 21 years and thought maybe NYC could teach me a thing or two about starting anew. I mean, it’s literally his first name.

Our affair is still in its early honeymoon phase. I moved here only six weeks ago, but my heart still flutters when I look up and down his avenues and I realize all that he offers me. I fall more in love with New York every day I walk his streets. I smell the freshly baked bagels, the sweet cinnamon churros and the tomato tanginess of pizza places as ubiquitous as Starbucks. He has fresh blooms for me every day when I walk down W. 28th Street through the flower district.

I marvel at how handsome his architecture is, from Grand Central Station to the Public Library to The Dakota – so many grand gestures of structural elegance – to the small touches, like the archway flourish in an entrance to a pre-war building or the mosaics in his subways. I could go on and on about how beautiful he is to behold.

He reminds me that despite his age, he’s quite young at heart, as I walk along the Hudson River and marvel at his glass skyscrapers that reflect the clouds. He knows I’m a pilot and I love clouds, so he keeps a lot of them around for me.

I love eavesdropping as I walk, dipping in and out of people’s commentary, usually into their cell phones. During my first trip to NY in the 90s, I saw many people talking to themselves and was told they had mental health issues. Now, I see lots of people seemingly talking out loud to themselves but then I see their airpods in their ears.

My favorite overhead comment was when I walked by a young woman, sitting up against a wall, staring out into the street, holding her phone with her finely manicured hands, framed by colorful 2-inch painted fingernails, shouting into her phone:
“CUZ YOU WUZ SLEEPING!
(pause)
IN THE BED!
(pause)
WITH NATALIA!”
I keep a small notebook in my bag to record these snippets. It’s almost full.

My friends are excited for me and my new love but they feel compelled to share their concerns about him. “Don’t stand too close to the edge of the subway or you might get pushed onto the tracks and DIE.”  “Look BOTH ways before crossing a street because the bikers don’t follow the traffic rules and you might get hit and DIE.” “Carry pepper spray in case you get mugged so you don’t DIE.” I mean, they’re right, but their cautions aren’t stopping me. I like dating this bad boy.

I do see some of the cracks in his handsome facade – the extreme division of wealth, for example. Watching a brand new Bentley drive past a pile of a man sleeping barefoot on the sidewalk, in near-freezing temperatures. The smell of dog urine, the staccato trail of poop that was dragged along the sidewalk by some tourist who’d been staring up at the Empire State Building and not paying attention to where he was stepping.

It’s too early in our dating to know if I’m going to settle down with New York City. I have fond memories of California – a kinder, gentler love I could sink into. His touches were soft and sweet and 100% organic, but after twenty-one years, I needed to shake things up a little.

I have a feeling that when I’m older and not as energized by the adrenaline of a new love, I will long for the comfort of California, as one yearns for the familiar touch of a lost partner. But for now, while I have a lust for adventure and an appetite for exploration, New York City is my man.

Hope

29 Thursday Dec 2016

Posted by Loree2e in love, Movies, Relationships

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Tags

heartache, hope, love

ingvild-deila-as-princess-leia-in-rogue-one-lucas-film

I saw the latest Star Wars movie, Rogue One, this past Tuesday. I loved it and felt it stood on its own as great entertainment, and even better as the prologue to Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope. I felt all tingly when I saw the X-wing Starfighters onscreen. I remember watching the original Star Wars movie in theaters in 1977 and thinking the X-wings were the coolest things ever. That was probably my first exposure to “aviation” (is there a space version of that term? Spaciation?) and it certainly planted the seeds for my career as a pilot.

The movie also struck me in a different, non-nostalgic way. In the last scene of Rogue One, a CGI-enhanced Princess Leia receives the plans for the Death Star, thanks to the sacrifices of the rebellion:
Captain Raymus Antilles: [after handing Princess Leia the Death Star schematics] What is it they’ve sent us?
Princess Leia Organa: Hope.

I choked up at this scene – Carrie Fisher had died that morning. I felt like she was speaking directly to me through the completely coincidental timing of my viewing of this scene.

Let me back up…I’ve been recovering from a broken heart…from repeated heartbreak at the hands of someone I was deeply in love with but who had strung me along, who wouldn’t commit to a monogamous relationship with me. I’d been feeling down lately; wondering if I’ll ever find a similarly deep connection with another person, if I will be able to trust someone with my heart again. And then, unexpectedly, this scene in Rogue One reminded me about Hope.

Hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” For a long time, I had hoped my former love would choose to build a life with me. He gave me every expectation that it would happen…”eventually.” He asked me to respect “his process” and give him time.  I certainly desired a partnership with him, and I thought he wanted one with me, too. He told me he had never loved a woman as much as he loved me, but after years of waiting for him to choose a life with me, I realized those were just words, and the love I had hoped for with him was never going to happen, even though he would tell me he loved me “always.”

For a while, I made the mistake of giving up hope on finding love, not just with this one person, but with any partner. I didn’t think I could ever be so lucky again. But fortunately, by getting back on the dating circuit and some pep talks from friends and family, I’m feeling better. I’d like to believe the scene with Princess Leia was another nudge from the Universe to not give up. I find inspiration in many places, from Instagram to music to art. All these serendipitous reminders help to convince me that hope is not lost.  I know that I will find love again, and this time with someone who is ready to be loved and treasured. I have hope, and I’m happy to live with that until I have love.

 

This.

09 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Inspiration

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love

A friend of my friend passed away and she posted this on Facebook for him. I don’t know who the author is and have been unsuccessful in finding more online, but I thought this so beautifully expressed how I feel about life that I wanted to keep it, so I’m tucking it away here.

In a slip
The moment skips by
And a life is done

A perfect carved miniature
Added to the infinite mosaic
Each of us destined to join

A beginning
A middle
An end

Born to live
Live to love
Love to create

A whole story
Another story
Unique and universal

This intensity of aliveness
So full of certainty
A sense of the permanent
In the blink of an eye
The most temporary blink
Then it’s done…

Reach out
Reach out and love
Reach out and touch

Feel, confirm
it all is happening
Know through connection
We are here
Flowing water
Vital and fleeting

Speak, kiss, hold, love
Create
Leave your mark
Learn, learn, learn
Teach, teach, teach

Heed your passion
Follow your bliss
Find your voice

Look into another soul
Eyes are the window
And the mirror

Wake up that passion
With the proof
That you and another have connected

Share the fire
Honor the spark
Make the love
Carve the stone

The prescious present
Never returns
Say it now
Do it now
Be it NOW

No regretting the doing
Only what we didn’t
-Mark Ulano

Why Rendipi?

03 Sunday Jun 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Inspiration, Mindfulness

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Tags

divorce, love

Unexpected Road

I’ve always liked the word serendipity. It starts off sounding like such a formal word, full of gravitas and then you hit the third syllable and the cute little “dip” turns the requiem into a tarantella.

Serendipity definition

Over a year ago, I knew I wanted to start blogging on a more regular basis and I was considering domain names. Serendipity.com was taken by a domain squatter, so I took the outer shell off of the word and rendipi.com emerged. It represents being in the middle of unexpected blessings and that’s where I feel I am. Being a divorced woman in her 40s isn’t exactly what most would consider a blessing, yet I feel like I have finally discovered myself. I have been through many difficult emotions this past year and that has made me much more aware of the many blessings in my life. I think I had always been grateful, but experiencing some of the lows and challenges of the past year provided the necessary contrast that encourages me to note and appreciate small, everyday delights. My outer shell has come off, and the strength and happiness that I am experiencing is a pleasant surprise for me. I look forward to celebrating more occurrences of serendipity in my life.

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