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Author Archives: Loree2e

Just keep paddling…

25 Friday Jan 2013

Posted by Loree2e in Divorce, Mindfulness, Parenting, Relationships

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Tags

divorce, Parenting

Yesterday was one of those days that makes me appreciate the wonderful, happy days even more.

Because yesterday sucked.

I should back up and preface the suckage by talking about a couple of things that happened earlier this week.

Three days ago, right before I was about to leave for my first of 3 networking meetings of the day, my nanny stopped by….and gave me her letter of resignation. Fuck. She was distraught….literally on her knees begging me to forgive her (I’m not sure if that’s a Filipino thing or a Catholic thing). I was shocked by the resignation, as we have a great relationship, but my kids are getting older and we could only give her afternoons since the kids are in school for the first half of the day. I completely understood why she took another offer that was full-time.

The thought of telling my kids that she was leaving was almost too much for me to bear. Two years ago, it was “your dad and I are getting a divorce” last year it was “we’re selling the house (the only one you’ve ever lived in)” and now we’re kicking off 2013 with “your beloved nanny of 6 years needs to go to another family because they can offer her full-time work which she needs because her rent is being raised by her landlords (who, btw, are Google millionaires living in a 6-bedroom house next door).” The kids’ dad and I told them, along with our nanny, who sobbed just as hard as my daughter did. But that night, my daughter called me to let me know she was ok. Such a sensitive heart, that one. My kids’ resilience continues to amaze me.

Part of me is elated…maybe now I can be the one always picking up my kids and helping them with homework and doing fun projects, etc. etc. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since my kids were younger – stay home part-time and take care of them (one of the contributing factors to the breakup of my marriage: he didn’t want to give up the salary I could command). Then the brain steps back in and reminds me that I am divorced and no one is going to pay my rent for me while I’m busy being super Stay-at-Home Mom.

In a strange way, I guess I finally did get what I always wanted…I suppose I could pick up the kids everyday and be with them in the afternoons if I could find a job that only went until 2:30pm every day. So, maybe the universe is delivering…but asking me to meet it halfway.

The other thing that sent my heart to the dumps is that I had to end a relationship with someone I cared about deeply. This person was someone I’d consider a soulmate, except for the constant promises and failure to keep them. I can’t deal with dishonesty in my life. I’m a very open and honest person and when someone continuously tells me they’re going to do something but then finds excuses for not delivering on their promises…it just wore my heart down and I realized I could no longer trust this person. It was (and is) extremely painful to think of the emotional investment I had in this relationship and what the end result was. I feel like I was taken advantage of.

So, back to yesterday. After 5-months of a sabbatical, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. My brain is telling me to find a job in a big company so I can have some financial stability but my heart is telling me no no no but I don’t know what I should do to start generating income. The proceeds from a house sale (even in overly-priced Silicon Valley) can only last so long. I’m afraid of settling for something I don’t really want just for the sake of stability. I made the mistake of doing that in my marriage and in going to business school, and I’ve been trying to evolve from both of those over the past two years. It’s scary to be in this position and yesterday was one of those rare days when I take a step backwards and start beating myself up. Lots of tears and teeth gnashing, wondering how I could have screwed things up so badly. Fortunately, night eventually falls and I can go to sleep and start another day.

This morning as I made my daily walk to my local coffee shop, I passed by middle school students riding their bikes to school and I wanted to stop them and scream, “DON’T SETTLE! Do what you love! The rest will figure itself out. STOP SUCCUMBING TO FEAR or what your parents think you should do!”

As much as I want to impart this wisdom to these young adults, they would probably start calling me the crazy lady of Starbucks, and I’m pretty sure that position already has a waiting list.

8 things I noticed this morning before 8am

07 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by Loree2e in Art, Mindfulness, Writing

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Tags

writing

1. Upon waking, the amazing way the morning light in the corners of my bedroom casts itself in different shades of beige and gold and begs to be painted.

2. How quiet my house is in contrast to the school mornings when my kids are with me.

3. On my walk to get my morning coffee, how the sky and clouds look like they were painted in watercolors.

4. The sparse berries left on the trees by the train station signal that we are definitely in the middle of winter, even though the few berries that are left are bright pink.

5. I don’t notice the train noise anymore.

6. I wanted to pick up a penny I spotted in a crosswalk, but there was a big truck coming and  even though he had the stop sign, I didn’t think tempting fate for a penny was worth it.

7. I had a 3-minute internal debate while in line about what coffee I should order this morning. The Vanilla Spice sounds really good but I need to lose the five pounds I gained over the holidays (thanks, Mom!). I should probably get a tall nonfat latté but I feel like kicking off my year with a little something extra. What to get, what to get…

8. I am excited for 2013. I am looking forward to the adventures that await me this year. I know they will make me stronger, just as last year’s did.

I love that this morning I felt the urge to write and I have the time to do so.

I ended up ordering a grandé peppermint latté. And I am savoring it.

My first movie review blog post: Les Miserables

28 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Movies

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

movies

You should know, I’ve seen the stage production of Les Miserables 4 times and listened to the soundtrack about 537 times, so I consider myself qualified to write this review.

This must not have been an easy production to adapt to the screen, and I thought Tom Hooper, the director, did an amazing job. Much ado has been made of the fact that he had the actors sing live on camera, rather than the traditional method of lip-synching to a pre-recorded soundtrack. His approach paid off in the acting performances – the emotions are fully expressed and the performances feel much more intimate than those experienced by an audience watching the musical on stage.

Unfortunately, the singing takes a small hit.  I would imagine it’s more difficult to deliver a technically strong *singing* performance while hauling in a naval vessel with a rope as a slave (hello, Jean Valjean) or running through the streets of Paris, chasing after aforementioned slave (bon jour, Inspector Javert).

Speaking of Javert, I take issue with with the casting of Russell Crowe in that part. While Mr. Crowe looks great in a uniform and possesses a surprisingly lovely singing voice, it is not the powerful baritone one has come to expect from a Javert. It’s like getting a chocolate easter bunny then biting into it and realizing it’s hollow – wtf? and what’s with all that air?

I loved the actor who played Marius, although in his early numbers his head would start shaking like it was about to explode a là Scanners and his freckles were a bit distracting (when I think of French revolutionaries, I don’t think of them as having freckles). However, he more than made up for that with his performance of Empty Chairs, which broke my heart.

Amanda Seyfried as Cossette? She has the largest pupils, ever. She also has a pretty voice, but it felt too closed and fluttery during her high notes.

Les Miz fanatics will recognize the Bishop as Colm Wilkinson, who originated the role of Jean Valjean on Broadway and in the London stage production. He was excellent, although he constantly had a bemused expression that seemed to say, “I can’t believe my part is being played by Wolverine!”

Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were well-cast as Monsieur and Madame  Thenardier, but a lot of the slapstick humor that plays well on stage for those characters is lost on screen, and the quick editing makes it tough to follow all their shenanigans.

I’ve never heard of the actress, Samantha Barks, who played Eponine but I loved her, even though it looked like her waist had been carved out by CGI.

Image

Anne Hathaway. O.m.g. (which stands for Oscar, My God.) She was amazing. I heard people in the theater sobbing during her scenes. I managed to suppress the ugly cry, but it was tough.

And finally, Hugh Jackman. He really was excellent, even though I thought his voice was a little nasally. But when he tore up his parole paper and nailed the high notes on “2…4…6…oh…ONE!” and the two veins on his forehead popped into 3-D, I knew he had that Oscar nomination locked.

Finally, I’d like to know if there’s a makeup category for dental special effects because the teeth on those actors were gnarly. You could even see the bloody stump from Fantine’s missing tooth. Every actor looked like espresso grains had been painstakingly applied to their gums. If there is a category for Best Tooth Grime, Anne Hathaway won’t be the only one from Les Miz walking away with gold on Oscar night.

With the minor dings for some of the singing, I would give Les Miz an 8 out of 10….stars? I don’t know what my rating system is. If I were you, I’d go see it.

And bring kleenex.

Rain = soup

30 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Food

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During my trip to Mexico, I read a great book called The Kitchen Counter Cooking School. The author (a food writer and graduate of the famous Le Cordon Bleu school in Paris) was inspired to teach people the basics of cooking to empower them to ditch boxed, processed foods in favor of fresh, healthier choices.

I am completely onboard with that program. I think that processed foods are the bane of modern health and I have been anxious to prepare more homemade meals for my kids, in fact, it was one of my NY resolutions (stand by for a future post on the progress made – or not – on those resolutions).

With all the cold rainy weather we’ve been experiencing lately, the first choice unequivocally was soup. I used the Creamed Tomato soup recipe from the outstanding How to Cook Everything by Mark Bittman. Here it is simmering before I pureed it and added half-and-half:

Tomato Soup

The little bits of sauteed carrots and onions added a nice flavor, along with some thyme and kosher salt.

But le pièce de résistance was a loaf of freshly-baked bread…that I BAKED MYSELF. Yes, you read that correctly. I used the No-knead Artisan Bread recipe from the Kitchen Counter book and cranked out this lovely loaf:

For realz...I baked this.

 

Today when I met a couple of gal pals for lunch, I was so enthusiastic about my cooking adventure that I forced them to look at photos of this loaf of bread on my iPhone. I was super proud when one of them said it looked like it could be from Mayfield Bakery (our local hi-end, artisan bakery). And even better, my kids *loved* the taste of it.

I was pleasantly surprised that cooking the soup and making the bread was not all that time-consuming… it just took a little planning to ensure I had enough time prior to baking for the dough to rise. The soup took less than 30 minutes! I am really excited about branching out more and trying some new recipes. Plus, I want to start comparing my grocery bills to see if cooking meals from scratch lowers my monthly expenditure. For example, I roasted some chicken thighs the other night, with goat cheese and prosciutto, and I calculated the total cost was about $9 and it provided me with 3 meals.

Cooking from scratch is also forcing me to buy less food but more often, so the ingredients are fresh. I hate thinking about how much food I’ve thrown out because it wasted away in my refrigerator. By planning only a day or two ahead, I hope I can maximize the usage of the food I buy.

 

 

 

A Day in the Life

26 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Inspiration, Mindfulness, Music

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I love music.

I listen to it throughout the day, sing it in the shower, dance to it while cooking in the kitchen. I love when a favorite song comes on the radio that I haven’t heard in a while and I get to relish whatever it is about that particular song that pleases me…the bass line, the rhythm, the harmonies, cowbell, etc.

Tonight, I arrived home after my Zumba class (dancing somehow doesn’t feel like a workout to me, but my drenched shirt tells otherwise) and just as I pulled into the driveway of my home, “A Day in the Life” by the Beatles began on the radio. I put the car in park, turned off the engine and sat in the dark, listening to it. It brings back memories of when I was in grade school, listening to the Beatles and the Moody Blues and the Rolling Stones because my mom liked those bands. I loved the album covers of the Beatles Red 1962-1966 and Blue 1967-1970 albums. It was so cool to me how they had changed in their photos in that short time span (probably why I am enamored with Dear Photograph and Shawn Clover’s 1906 Mashup Photos).

I put aside nostalgia and really listened to the music…the insistent piano, the mounting, chaotic strings, the simple lyrics that convey the violence and ordinariness of our daily lives, and of course, when John Lennon went into his dream, I sang along with him on the best part: ahhhhhhhh, ah, ah, ahhhhh… ahhh ah ahhhhh….ahhh ah ahhhhhhh….

Right before I had pulled into the driveway, I was thinking about what I’d make for dinner, and which bath bomb from Lush I was going to plop into my bath tonight, but when that song came on, I completely surrendered myself to that moment of singing in the car, in the dark, by myself… a lovely moment of serendipity.

I am a surfer

12 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Inspiration, Mindfulness, Travel

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Tags

Sayulita, surfing

As part of my sabbatical, I decided to learn how to surf. A practical person would have signed up for lessons in Santa Cruz (about an hour from where I live), donned a wetsuit and taken lessons over a weekend.

I don’t like cold water.

Instead, I signed up for a 6-day, all-women surf “safari” in Sayulita, Mexico (about 40 minutes north of Puerto Vallarta). I was delighted to leave 55 degree weather in San Francisco and step off the plane in Mexico into welcoming sunshine and highs in the upper 80s.

Here is the view from the awesome villa that I’m sharing with a long-time friend and two new friends:

So, today…we started with a nice relaxing yoga class for an hour…mostly stretching and loosening up. We enjoyed a yummy breakfast at our villa and then walked about 10 minutes to the surf safari’s casita in town, where we learned surfing safety and some basics. We lathered on water-resistant sunscreen, pulled on our rash guards, chose a surfboard and carried it out to the beach. I felt very cool carrying an 11′ board on my head, even though it was really the only way I could cart it out, as my arms aren’t long enough to carry it under an arm.

At the edge of the water, we attached our leashes to our rear ankles (I’m “goofy-footed,”so that means the leash went on my left ankle) and strode out to the waves, two at a time. From the shore, the waves looked big, but in the water, they looked HUGE, even though they apparently were only “waist-high.” I got pummeled by the incoming surf as I tried to paddle out to the “deep water,” beyond where the waves were breaking. It was almost like I was facing an initiation by the ocean … “How badly do you want to go surfing today?” Wave after wave knocked me over and I tumbled a lot. The slight cold I was battling was quickly remedied by the 1000psi neti pot that the waves were inflicting on my sinuses.

By the time I joined the others, my lat muscles and triceps were burning and I was breathing heavily. We practiced braking and the sit and spin. We did a lot more paddling, as the current was pulling us to the left. Finally, it was time to ride a wave in.

I was excited to ride my first wave, and managed to pop up to my feet but then I lost my balance and fell over to the right almost immediately. Hmmm…pretty cool, but that didn’t quite count! I rode another wave in through the whitewash on my knees. I was feeling tired but still enthusiastic as our instructors showed us how to surf only the white wash (go in with the tail of the surfboard first, so it’s easier to hop on and catch a wave). I finally caught my first wave and got my legs straightened past 90 degrees for a few seconds, reveling in the energy underneath me….and then I tried to exit successfully…into about 6 inches of water. More water up the nose.

I rode a few more waves and took a break for lunch. When I came back for “free surf time” the instructors were in the water, offering advice and encouragement. With a little rest under my belt, I was able to stand up several times and on one wave, I felt it drop out a little underneath me…omg, I was surfing! I let out a scream of delight and continued in the whitewash until the energy of the wave had bled off and I could step off onto the sand. I had a several really nice rides but after about an hour, my lower back started to bug me so I decided to call it a day.

Learnings from today:
1 – Embrace the wipeout. A wise surfer friend told me that one of the keys to learning how to surf is to not avoid wipeouts, but rather, to embrace them. Well, let me tell you, I made passionate love to the wipeout. It even sent me flowers.
2 – There’s always another wave, so don’t feel rushed. A few times, I saw a really nice wave forming, but I was too close to it and I would rush to align myself, and curl my toes onto the sweet spot, but I’d be rushing and not quite aligned and then the wave would rush up and catch me and most times, I’d get tumbled in the surf. I realized, I need to set myself up for success…those were my best waves.
3 – Rinse all the sand out of my bikini bottom before using the restroom…I’ll just leave it at that.

 

I’ve been writing…I promise

10 Wednesday Oct 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Travel, Writing

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Wow, I just realized that I haven’t posted for a month. Yikes.

I have been writing for a screenplay class I’m taking at Stanford. I was really motivated after the first class last week, and I’m finalizing which idea I’m going to move forward with.

I also spent a week in Hawaii on vacation, which was wonderful. I did some research for my book while I was there, but now I feel like it’s time to get to work…with “work” being: writing more, learning to code, exploring my ideas for my own business, and deciding what to do next year.

My painting retreat

11 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Art

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The week before last I spent 5 days at Wax Works West in Corralitos, painting and doing Bikram Yoga. I decided to take this break and paint because I felt like I needed to be pulled away from the distractions of daily life in order to really tap my creativity. While it was a delight to devote that much time to painting, I’m learning I have to find small chunks of time throughout my day to engage in creative work, rather than depending on or waiting for long, immersive periods. For example, I’m typing this as I wait for some sweet potato fries to bake. Yum. (a quick side-story…one of my dad’s favorite stories is of the time he posted educational articles on the insides of the bathroom stalls at his USMC regiment. He likes to chuckle about his “education through defecation” program, and “taking advantage of the craps of time” when you can. Sorry, that was a bit inappropriate, but I completely need to get onboard with stealing moments of productivity).

So, the first day of painting was horrible. I absolutely HATED what I made and I found myself starting to panic that I was wasting time and money and my painting sucks and who am I kidding, I am not a good artist, and all the other bullshit that goes through my mind when things don’t go according to my plan of producing perfect art, exactly how I envision it. Toward the end of the day, I started experimenting a little bit with some black paint and decided I’d work with that more the next day. I went to use the bathroom, and as I was sitting there doing my business, I looked up and saw this:

Ah…the craps of time came through for me (my dad would be so proud) and provided me with some wisdom during my bio break: I needed to relax my grand plans and enjoy the process. So true of much of life. The next day, I made this, which is probably my favorite painting of the retreat:

The third day and fourth day, I experimented with silk fabric and also painted a Japanese rice paper print that I’m planning on giving to my parents for Christmas.

      

I also finished up an octopus diptych:

On my last day, I enjoyed experimenting with 4 colors of batik fabric which I adhered to the board with medium, then covered in varnish and pearlized pigment, then lit on fire (outside, of course). I call it “Dear Watson” after Sherlock Holmes’ famous exclamation “it’s elementary,” as the 4 colors remind me of the elements of earth, water, sky and fire:

I finished the last day feeling like I had been productive and able to stir up some new ideas for things I want to do with encaustic paint. I’m excited to get my garage studio up and running so I can paint more regularly.

I’m not as brave as I’d like to be

03 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Parenting

≈ 1 Comment

I am very fortunate to live in a nice neighborhood in a district with good schools, but the house I rent is probably in the bottom 10% of houses in this extremely affluent community. Maybe even bottom 1%.  “The land of expensive cars” is what I like to call it, because it feels like every other car I see in our neighborhood is a BMW, Mercedes or Lexus, and it’s parked in the driveway of a multi-million dollar home. (I want to be clear that I am NOT complaining about my house! I am super grateful to be in our home, but I need to put this in perspective. Most of the other people in our neighborhood are very wealthy).

With all the wealth in our community, it was really surprising to me to see homeless people in our town. There is one in particular who roams the neighborhood near where I live. I first saw him about two months ago, at the end of the school year, when my daughter’s class had a picnic at a local park. “Look!” one of the children said, pointing toward the telltale barge of a shopping cart, overloaded with tied-up grocery bags and tarps. “It’s a hobo!” We couldn’t see a human being, just a pile of stuff on wheels. But I looked closely, and underneath the mound of plastic I saw two shoes on the ground, and in the shoes I saw ankles. The rest was covered up, perhaps as protection from the late morning June sun. I was embarrassed for the person (I had no idea if there was a man or woman under all those bags) and hustled the kids along, deciding that moment would not be appropriate to explain the difference between a hobo (which brings to mind images of scrappy, knapsacked men that stowaway in train cars and sing songs about the Big Rock Candy Mountain) and a homeless person.

The kids quickly moved on to their field games at the park, and we didn’t pay any more attention to the homeless person, until it was time to eat. The barge of bags was right next to the door of the tennis courts, and we needed the large trash can that was inside the court. One of the other moms grabbed the trash can, and when she returned, whispered to us, “I think there’s someone underneath all that stuff!”

The kids ate their lunches and took turns at the “dessert table,” piled high with lots of fruit, muffins and cookies. When it was time to leave, there was still quite a bit of food left, so I put a bunch of grapes, watermelon and cookies on a paper plate and walked over to the shopping cart. Upon closer inspection, there were probably fifty plastic shopping bags tied all over the cart. I couldn’t tell what was in the bags. I walked around to the other side and saw that the ankles led up to pant legs and there was a man, sitting on a plastic fold-up lawn chair. His face was covered by a homemade canopy, so I bent down and saw he was sitting with his eyes closed, hands on his lap, as if he were meditating. He had a long, white beard and long, matted hair, sort of like a grungy Santa Claus. I said, “Excuse me,” and he quietly opened his eyes and looked at me quite calmly. “Would you like some food?” He didn’t smile, but said, “Yes, thank you.” I handed him the plate and wished him a good day. He again thanked me.

I wish I had talked with him more. I am curious about how he got to this point in time and want to ask him why he is on the street. Is he someone who is homeless by choice or is that a myth we’ve perpetuated to make us feel better when we see someone like this man? Many people have complimented me on how brave I am to quit my job and yet I couldn’t stir up the courage to talk with him, perhaps because I was afraid of his answer. What if he’s not homeless by choice? Then what do I say or do? How could I help him? Could I approach this like the story of the woman throwing the starfish back into the ocean…that every little bit we can do to help someone in need makes a difference, no matter how small it seems? I hope I can find the courage to speak with him next time.

First Day of School

16 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by Loree2e in Parenting

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Today was the first day of school for my kids…third grade for my daughter and fifth for my son. After the flag-raising ceremony, I walked over to the multi-purpose room for today’s purpose: reconnecting with other parents! There was a “coffee and volunteer sign-up” in the MP room and I was delighted to see how many parents stayed to volunteer for the various school activities throughout the year.

This year marked the first time that I brought a baked good for the welcome-back coffee that I myself baked. During previous years, I was in a job or looking for my next job, so if I even managed to sign up to bring something it was normally pre-made from Trader Joe’s (every working mom’s best friend) or Whole Foods (if I felt like I needed to impress people). This year, however, I baked. I BAKED. Yes, it was from a mix from Trader Joe’s, but I had to turn on an oven, dammit, so I want my awesome-mom-points. And bonus points because I hacked the crumbcake recipe and made delicious crumb-cake muffins.

Thus, it was delightful to saunter in – fresh from my arrival on my Townie cruiser bike – and deposit a tupperware container of home-madebaked muffins on the breakfast table. I didn’t need to rush through signups, or hurry my conversations with other moms (and one dad!)…there were no work meetings for me to get to and I had nothing scheduled until pick-up time! I enjoyed the time catching up with the other parents.

One of my amazing mom friends – who is a lawyer, working part-time, and a mom of two great daughters – knew that I had stopped working for a few months and had hinted in an email that she would love my help with fundraising. When I arrived at the volunteer coffee, I saw her standing by the table with signup sheets for the fundraising events and I went over to say hello. She was in side-show barker mode and doing a phenomenal job of signing up parents to help with the fund-raising events for the school, and when she saw me, she immediately sidled up next to me and started the recruiting process.  She reminded me that this was my son’s last year at the school (sniffle!) and wouldn’t it be great to be involved in making it an awesome year! It was an easy sell…I really like her and I am grateful to be able to help out, so I signed up to help reconcile the payments after the fall auction. With my commitment sealed in ink on the signup sheet, we moved on to catching up on our summers, and I realized that this was the year her younger daughter started kindergarten. She told me how she started tearing up when she took a photo of her two girls this morning, and when the girls asked her why she had tears in her eyes…she replied “Allergies!” Ah yes, the allergies that seem to only strike us on the first and last day of the school year….

 

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